on stage with awesome light

pattricia @ 2006-02-12T03:50:00

2006-02-12T08:48:44Z

i don't want to be here anymore.

pattricia @ 2004-09-25T05:25:00

2004-09-25T09:28:29Z

i fell in love today.

lemony fresh

2004-09-21T07:18:49Z

i'm here. i'm here.

i'm alive. but dude, my liver is hurting. oh so hurting.

i've been busy now that school's started (though i hardly attend my classes...) - i'm mostly caught up in rehearsals. if i'm not there, i'm at work. and if i'm at neither, i'm at a bar somewhere getting drunk.

this was a fucken crazy weekend. i'm going to leave it at that. definitely one for the books.

the play is progressing in the right direction. i'm super psyched.

i've attended a total of 4 classes since the semester began. i hope i don't fail, that's all. i need to earn all the credits so i won't be on probation. eeks.

i'm going to go and read. i have to catch up on art history.

p.s. i'm seeing someone too. though i hate to admit it...

lemsip

2004-08-29T08:16:31Z

super awesome fun time last thursday night.

i knew i was going to have fun, but not that much. it was a very solid bonding experience with a new friend.

i didn't want to be anywhere else in the world - i was happy sitting on that barstool with my wine and talking to danielle.

case-a-dillas

2004-08-25T19:00:31Z

i'm sick, again.

dude that makes it the third time since i moved in the apartment last may. it's really bad this time since my coughs are super dry. lost my voice this morning - my manager said it was kind of sexy. i think i sound like a man.

went out last night with people from work. started drinking at 4pm and didn't stop until midnight. i was very happy and chill. i love frou-frou drinks...give me an amaretto sour any day.

i just got off the phone with my aunt and she told me that i need to lie down and rest. rest. rest for 24 hours straight. (in my case, until i have to be back at work at 10am tomorrow - also, i'll hopefully be going out again tomorrow night. getting super happy with awesome friends...)

peass out.

sigh

2004-08-19T19:02:53Z

super awesome song:
"Finally Found You" by Weekend Excursion

i feel like i'm behind on my bills when i'm really not. i mean, i've still got almost 2 weeks before everything is due, but well...

anyhoooooo.

steak in cajun cream sauce over rice

2004-08-13T07:19:36Z

i'm really digging this laptop. it's everything i've ever wanted in a system and more...it really just works and doesn't take a genius to figure out how to do things. it's awesome. soooo super fucken awesome.

on the hot list:
Time for Me to Fly - REO Speedwagon
Don't Stop Believin' - Journey
After All - Peter Cetera and Cher
Open Arms - Journey
Can't Fight This Feeling - REO Speedwagon
Your Song - Elton John
Faithfully - Journey
Desperado - Eagles
You're the Inspiration - Chicago
Take My Breath Away - Berlin
You Sang To Me - Marc Anthony
I'll Stand by You - The Pretenders
These are the Moments - Edwin McCain
Don't Let the Sun Go Down On Me - Elton John
Save Tonight - Eagle Eye Cherry
Blue Eyes Blue - Eric Clapton
In Your Eyes - Peter Gabriel

there might be a giant move for me in the future. will know in 6 months time. no other discussion until then or until i know more about it.

shtuff

2004-08-13T02:02:49Z

so went out today and purchased a few things...

-fall tuition
-apple powerbook 12" superdrive
-apple ipod (20Gig)
-hp printer
-buffalo chicken tenders

i'm so happy i'm incoherent. it's awesome. i love my mac. love it love it love it.

*

also made another cd for dano. full of journey, reo speedwagon, peter cetera...it's so great.

i'll be heading up to delaware on monday to hang out with joanna, dano and her family. i might spend the night, dunno the plans just yet.

*

so hungry. must eat something...

caesar

2004-08-04T06:03:25Z

on the repeat:
howie day - "collide"
josh kelley - "amazing" (acoustic)
maroon 5 - "she will be loved" (acoustic)
default - "all she wrote" (*free download available on their website)
santana feat. chad kroeger - "why don't you & i"
hoobastank - "the reason"

i bought an aquarium today. it was a 10 gallon premium starter kit for $60. i'm getting the fishes tomorrow. i'm super psyched. i know it's a shitload of responsibility but i think i can handle it.

i want puffers. they'll be cool to watch.

i'm going to go and make burgers. (you should try gourmayo, the sun-dried tomato is just absolutely awesome).

twizzlin

2004-07-24T18:56:25Z

i taught a little girl how to pinkie-swear.

she is the most perfect little girl in the whole wide world.

she is my favorite person right now.

*

got in at 6am this morning. worked last night at friday's then headed over the denny's with jo and dano. 2 1/2 hours of eating and talking. left steve the server a $40 tip on our $25 check.

*

dano is the mother of the perfect little girl.

*

i'm loving it while it's still great.

*

hammer, i couldn't send your package out on time to reach you by tomorrow. by the end of the week, perhaps?

d-day

2004-07-17T03:21:59Z

i've been busy with work. this is the earliest i've been home in my apartment in a while - i mean, i got in at 5pm and zonked out until 9pm.

i love working at friday's. working at the hotel isn't too bad either. more consistent income there - helps pay the bills.

i think i'm going to buy an ibook. there's a deal at apple.com where if you buy an ibook and an ipod, you get a $200 rebate. sounds like a sweet deal.

my room is a mess. clothes everywhere. ikea bags everywhere. i should really stop shopping when i'm depressed.

i'm finding it a task to be happy when i'm outside of work. these past few weeks have been trying and i know that if i just keep trudging forward, chances are that things will get better.

read the da vinci code. pretty good. liked it a lot.

gillian and steve are coming to visit me in 2 weeks. i'm super excited. i haven't seen her in 4 years - nearly 5. maybe more? at least it's been a while...and him, well, i've never met him - but he might be "it" for her. so we'll see.

poopie butt face

2004-07-17T02:41:47Z

not dead.

still alive.

still broke.

it's someone's birthday coming up...

tin foil

2004-06-26T19:06:29Z

i have this awful burn on my hand. i got it from a grain of rice and it's shaped like it too. damn you fajitas!

it's actually been a few days since it happened.

i went out drinking last night with a few friends. my new drink: a LARGE shot of the four horsemen. it's made up of jim, jack, johnny, and jose. quick, painless, and really, really good.

i have to go to work soon.

working on my fall schedule again. i think i'm going to drop the art history minor thing. and just focus on the theatre thing. i need to get things into gear.

elf

2004-06-24T06:36:02Z

also in the plans: summer internship with a theatre in britain.

this will happen. and after that, i will have to prepare for my show - which, hopefully, will also happen.

i might be in college for an additional semester. that's okay, i'm cool with that.

phase

2004-06-24T05:55:43Z

i've been pondering about donating my eggs. i know it's a crazy idea to let my body go through that much pain but the rewards seem worth it. i don't think i'll ever get pregnant so to know that a part of me is thriving out there in the world would be a relief, somehow.

well, we'll see.

i'm also going to start taking archery lessons.

seas of grams

2004-06-17T06:44:51Z

i keep running away.

at least i've got somewhere to go whenever i don't feel like being where i am. it's the only way to keep me sane these days.

i'm drafting plans for my room. i've got to work with a very small budget, but with all the connections and cheap IKEA stuff, i think i can pull it off. the biggest expense will be the standing workstation. worth it though, in the end.
*
finished reading angels & demons by dan brown. pretty quick and easy - reads like a movie. i'm looking forward to the da vinci code.
*
i was supposed to work tonight but i gave up my shift so i can hang with my family. it's my stepdad's birthday and he's been through a lot this year. plus he's been there for me whenever i needed him so to tell him this morning that i couldn't be there today made me feel really guilty. so i got to work and somebody wanted to pick-up so that was that...then i start my new job on friday. it was supposed to be for tomorrow, but i forgot that it was my sister's graduation so i told them i couldn't make it.
*
situation in the apartment isn't so pleasant. rather not get into it.
*
saw "the last samurai" tonight. really great movie. loved it. tom cruise was robbed. so was ken watanabe. makes me want to go to japan and be with the cherry blossoms.
*
i think the middle finger on my right hand is sprained. it hurts to bend it, but it's not swollen. i might have just strained it carrying all those hot and heavy plates at work...

float

2004-06-15T04:11:44Z

You think I think that an artist's job is to speak the truth. An artist's job is to captivate you for however long we've asked for your attention. If we stumble into truth, we got lucky, and I don't get to decide what truth is.
-Tabatha Fortis, THE WEST WING: Episode 61 "The U.S. Poet Laureate"

bleh

2004-06-10T22:23:57Z

According to Us Weekly (on stands Friday), Jen and Marc spent Sunday -- their first day as Mr. and Mrs. -- at a casual and relaxed barbeque at Lopez's house. Around 2 p.m. the newlyweds, along with 20 close friends and family members, munched on an array of picnic fare, including hot dogs, hamburgers and potato chips.
-Yahoo!TV

is this really interesting news???

beans

2004-06-04T07:48:24Z

not much has happened.

still at the apartment. haven't left. we got a dartboard, actually.

definitelyhateyou

click for photos.

hey ham, don't think i can make it up for your grad. my sister's graduating high school on the same day. i'll try to get up there on the day after.

and when you can, visit los lonely boys and download "heaven". it's my favorite song at the moment.

Flickr

2004-05-29T18:32:22Z

This is a test post from , a fancy photo sharing thing.

skinned

2004-05-29T04:36:36Z

so my plea has yet to be answered. it's all the same, really. there was almost no point for it in the first place.

i'm back at the apartment now.

are you ever incomplete? like, a huge chunk of you is missing and you don't know where it went? that's how i've been feeling lately. and when i say lately, i mean, in recent years. but it's never been this bad.

i spent the past few days at my parents so i can remind myself of what's going on. this new venture into the world allowed me to almost forget and run away from the problems.

i kept putting it off before; thinking that i needed to direct my focus on more important things...but now, i don't have an excuse. i have to deal with it.

everything under my feet is shifting.

those really close to me know that all my life, i've been looking for a place to belong - a place i can feel at home. i believed that what i was looking for was something tangible - like an actual building with windows and sinks. i thought that i would find everything i've ever wanted inside.

and i did. i found it. for the past 4 years, i lived inside it. and now, it's coming apart. i don't know what to do - i don't even think i could do anything. i just wish i could hold on to it for a little longer.

it's like knowing that you can't step back. each forward leap you make - is it. nothing exists behind you.

you lean the wrong way, and you fall.

this all sounds so depressing. i'm sorry.

on the bright side, i laughed hysterically last night when i was out with my sister (myrah), her boyfriend (billy), and drew. it felt good. thank you.

down left

2004-05-28T08:12:55Z

i might just be a big wuss, but i don't feel well. at all.

nothing is wrong with me physically...except for a few fissures...which can be remedied...

but mentally, i'm a mess. and don't even get me started emotionally.

what's worse is that i feel as if i shouldn't really complain about anything because what i'm going through isn't a big deal. compared to what a friend of mine is going through...my life is peaches and cream.

and i've always believed that pain is subjective. it still affects a person - regardless of its degree or even comparative worth, it still sucks.

i would love to talk to this friend about all of this - i really, really do. and she has asked that i go to her when something bothers me - she doesn't care if it appears petty...she wants to be there for me, as i have been for her. except, i just don't feel right about it. i can't help but not feel right about it.

and right now, what i want the most - what i need the most is physical comfort. i want to someone to put me to sleep and tell me everything will be better in the morning. or to sit with me at the park while i read a book. or to just even hold me.

though i know i can get that from practically anyone i know - it's different when it's from someone i want to get it from...

i want to come undone.

let me fall apart. tell me it's okay. i want to know you'll be there when i need to be put back together.

monster

2004-05-26T15:56:37Z

at the apartment. watching ellen. just ate cookie crisp cereal.

work going well...today is the last day of validations for work. hopefully i don't screw up too much. last night went okay.

kim is on her way back. she would have been back last night except she was feeling sick so she got a room at a really raunchy hotel in jersey for $20. she said it's really shady...last i spoke with her was 10am --- she's waiting for traffic to die down. hopefully she's left by now. i have to work at 3 so i don't think i'll be here when she gets in.

ellen's awesome.

she says hi

2004-05-22T07:04:03Z

i got off work at 1130am. i've been home alone since...well, alone with pretty since then. i took a couple of naps in the afternoon so now, i can't sleep. kim called me in her drunken stupor almost two hours ago to check up on her "baby".

pretty, for the most part of the day, was napping with me. we played a little bit and went out for a couple of walks. then she spent some time waiting for kim by the door. then more time in kim's bed. she's whining about something right now...not sure what...more lovin' maybe?

nope, she's back by the door, waiting. and to think 5 more days until kim comes home. poor baby.

i've allowed myself to be numb for the whole day. i did nothing productive and instead, just chill. i was going to go and get some groceries, but well...you know what happened.

need to get these tomorrow:
milk
vegetable oil
bread
ginger ale
deli meat
mayo
salt
pepper

need to do these tomorrow:
study for phase III exam
throw a party...again

steve's not home yet. he's probably gaming at school.

well, iron chef is on so i'm going to watch it. doood, i'm so hungry.

not today

2004-05-21T02:23:51Z

work is going alright. there's sooooo much to learn. the menu, alone, is kicking my ass. i hate that stupid grid.

today/tonight was fun, though. got there by 9:45am and hung around until 830pm. hurrah for minimum wage!!!

kim left today for new england. she left pretty (her puppy) to our (steve's and mine's) care. i hope she doesn't pee/poop in my room...

i had an interesting dream last night. it would be awesome if we could share dreams, you know what i mean? like, when you're talking to somebody in your dream, they're actually talking to you from their dream...like that. hmmm...that would be fun...

i should go back to doing my laundry. CLEAN CLOTHES!!!